Channeling Authority: How Not to Be a Boss Lady
“When you choose leadership, sometimes you choose meaningful misery." —Dan Rockwell
I am not a boss lady. During my life I have been in a position of authority as a mother, a line foreman, a teacher, and as a client. My mothering happened with the understanding my son was never afraid of me and the discipline meted out was accepted through a combination of pity, guilt and love. I was never able to menace him, hit him, humiliate him or make him feel I would withdraw my love if he made mistakes. His father, on the other hand, was able to through a combination of insult and mild physical violence make him behave. Honestly, I didn’t always see this as fair, but when I tried to be stern, he laughed at me.
When I was hired based on Affirmative Action straight into a management position at New Jersey Bell my father reminded me of watching me ride when I was a child. Apparently, I sat on the horse, kicking him gently, asking in a nice way for him to move. The result was a happy horse eating grass, occasionally looking up to sneer at the ineffectual person suggesting he move. “You have never told anyone what to do,” he said. “How will you manage a gang of ten men?”
photo by Mateusz Zatorski
On my first day after I handed out their job packets, I said, “Okay, have a nice day.” When they remained in my office smoking cigarettes and gossiping, I said, “Can you go to work now?” No one moved. Finally, the inside foreman called to ask why they weren’t calling in from their first jobs, and I had to confess they had not left. “Put me on speaker!” he bellowed.
“Get your lazy, fucking asses out of the garage,” he said. “Half-hour lunches and mandatory overtime.” They left. Later I was able to double my production with the addition of lipstick, taking my hair down, providing coffee and trouble shooting difficult customers. I was twenty-two and didn’t have any experience in management or telephones or anything. But, once they didn’t hate me as they had the previous manager, they worked hard.
As a teacher I had very few issues with discipline. This was in high school classrooms in at-risk schools, with over thirty students, many of them minority males who might have seen me as the enemy but instead viewed me as someone who would do anything to help them succeed. The fact was when I was angry, I cried. Crying at work is rarely an effective way to communicate. Another method I had to keep students on track was frequently telling them weird stories about my life which they appreciated and also making them laugh. I gave good grades, handed out stickers and lollipops, returned work rapidly with extensive, positive comments. Unlike the stint at the telephone company, I had a deep and extensive knowledge of my subjects, writing and English Literature.
Trying to collaborate with someone you are also paying can be hard. I have never found the secret to making that horse move, those men go to work, my son fear me, or my students think I am a hard ass. When my cleaning person ceased cleaning but started telling me her problems it was my son, barely a teenager, who told me I should fire her. I had only fired one other person in my life and cried so much she had to comfort me and promise she would find another, better job. I am not proud of this. If you are in a position of power, you should use that power wisely and not force other people to make you feel better.
I am still trying to understand how authority works when intimidation is not part of your nature. Have you ever been a boss? How do you balance kindness with authority?
Molly Moynahan