How to Talk to a Teenager: Just Don’t
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” –Nora Ephron
First, don’t actually talk. instant message, text message, email, call or just give them your credit card and the keys to the car. Leave them alone. They don’t like you. You are old and depressing. Not depressing in a way that is poppin’ (don’t use their words) but you are just sad.
If you have to talk to them, be extremely careful. Under no circumstances should you attempt to approach them without a clear indication that you accept you are an alien. You are not of their tribe. You are not sentient to their customs, traditions, gestures, or language. Don’t use terms like “treated,” “sweet,” “bling bling,” or “phat.” This behavior will risk instant exile. You are a stranger in a strange land. Don’t make eye contact, do not touch any of their possessions, don’t comment about their clothes, hair color, make up, the smell in their room, the lack of lighting or fresh air, or whether the tattoo of an eye covering most of your daughter’s lower back is, in fact, permanent.
photo by Amir Hosseini
Don’t ask any questions. And don’t be overly attentive. Just pretend a mild interest in several topics: 1) Whether they plan to graduate from high school; 2) Who was the boy (?) eating cereal at the breakfast table? 3) What is their closest estimate on how long airport security will detain them on account of the new piercing?
Drop these questions softly into the general dialogue about how tired your teen is, how much their English teacher sucks, and if they can’t go on a really cool eco-tour to Costa Rica and meet real Spanish people or pick up litter in the rainforest, or swimming with dolphins which is sort of community service because dolphins like it, they won’t get into college. They don’t need to go to college anyway, which is fine because they will make a million dollars as an influencer. Do not, in any circumstance, ask them what they intend to influence. It’s totally your fault that you didn’t let them on TikTok or Insta in fourth grade, which is when Savannah Lewis started posting stuff, and now, she has her own talk show. And by the way, they need the check so they can stay in the all-inclusive hotel in Mexico.
Don’t nod your head too much or make any sudden facial gestures. Don’t wink or blink or twitch. Your teen is artistic, sensitive, and easily put off by any sign you have an actual personality.
Don’t mention the past. Under no circumstances imply you were ever attractive or that anyone of the opposite sex ever looked at you twice. That’s gross. Jeer at everything you wore and remain mute on the topic of sex. You never had sex in high school, college, or on the job. You had it once or twice (conception), but you didn’t like it, and you plan never to have it again. You are over all that. You are old, and sex is not for old people.
Don’t dance. Ever. Don’t even raise a single finger and pretend to dance. This will make your teen cry. Don’t bob your head, snake your neck, or raise your eyebrows to the beat. Any beat.
Never put on makeup in front of a teen. They will think you are attempting to cover up what is hopelessly old, and they will feel sad. Never say you saw Bruce Springsteen, Fleetwood Mac, or Bob Dylan live in concert. Never use the term “old school.”
Never imply you were stoned in public. Don’t tell the story about getting busted for pot with the famous television star. Do not, under any circumstances, appall your teen. This will scar them for life. They will have to take antidepressants and go to therapy. They will worry about you. They will never, ever leave home. They will stay with you forever and ever to protect you from yourself. Also, since they are not going to college and plan to get rich by making TikToks in their childhood bedroom, you must let them know if you plan to have guests, stay out late or use the car.
—Molly Moynahan, author and writing coach