Green-Eyed Monster

“Jealousy is always a mask for fear: fear that we aren't able to get what we want... Jealousy tells us there is room for only one — one poet, one painter, one whatever you dream of being." —Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

Writers are seldom happy with other writer’s success. There, I said it. It’s not that you want to be the only one to do well but you want to be spectacularly successful and for the rest to be merely okay. When people, as they invariably do, refer me to other writers as potential pals I wonder why they think we will have anything in common. I imagine it’s a bit like recommending people with broken legs to other people with broken legs. Yes, we understand the other person’s pain, but the chances are they will not be helpful, and we will just compete about who has suffered more. 

photo by Patrick Tomasso

Some writers pride themselves on their generosity and their eagerness to make vague suggestions about how you can find an agent or increase your sales. Other writers rarely help each other from altruism. They will read your book if you read theirs and say nice things if you will do the same.

I once had a now famous writer come to hear me read at several events. I was starting out and inordinately grateful for any show of support. We slept together and then he wrote a book that became a movie and when I was desperately seeking blurbs for a second novel already rejected by my publisher he responded to my request by stating he now had a “no blurb” policy. This seemed cold especially since he had seen me naked. On the other hand, I will admit I have had a few kind and supportive writers who have assured me they would be glad to see me write a bestseller. I believe they are lying.

Of course it’s all based on fear, the fear that someone else’s triumph will make your success impossible. But there is some truth to that. Publishing is a business and if one thing is suddenly hot while another is merely lukewarm, chances are the hot thing will get the majority of the support. Still, one needs to welcome the desire to do better since it is a sign that you are capable of growth. When I expressed to my professor my doubts about continuing an MFA program because I had a book deal already, he responded, “Do you have nothing to learn?” This reminded me of what had inspired all those years of writing, other writer’s brilliance, Zola, Dickens, Oates, Joyce, Chekhov, Woolf, Hemingway and Kingsolver had inspired me with the desire to improve, not compete. Anne Lamott articulated this anxiety about getting what you think you deserve.

”Jealousy always has been my cross, the weakness and woundedness in me that has most often caused me to feel ugly and unlovable, like The Bad Seed. I’ve had many years of recovery and therapy, years filled with intimate and devoted friendships, yet I still struggle. I know that when someone gets a big slice of pie, it doesn’t mean there’s less for me. In fact, I know that there isn’t even a pie, that there’s plenty to go around, enough food and love and air. But I don’t believe it for a second. I secretly believe there’s a pie. I will go to my grave brandishing my fork.” –Anne Lamott, Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith

There is no easy answer to this quagmire. I grew up witnessing my father’s extreme generosity towards and support of writers like Toni Morrison and his sometimes snarky remarks about other writers he was reviewing for The New York Times. But I understand how easy it is to both celebrate and revile someone you admire. Perhaps, I should have remained a teacher unthreatened by my student’s success because, well, I was always better. It’s easy to feel generous and positive when you are looking down at someone. This is my broken leg.

–Molly Moynahan