“Adult” is Not a Pejorative
Recently I was on a volunteer literacy Zoom meeting, a group founded by a famous writer who is now, like me, in his sixties. One of the insults aimed at wrong headed guidance to teenagers was “adulting.” This caused me to speak up and suggest they stop using a word that is, in reality, a phase of life that almost every child I have taught wants to reach. Not to be dull or boring or weirded out by awful things like balloon mortgages, income tax, and the need to floss but so they can be independent and make choices based on lawful behavior and their own dreams.
Peter Pan is a cautionary story, not one that paints paradise as a place where children remain children forever. Tinkerbell protects Peter from reality and Peter causes great harm by thoughtless, irresponsible, and selfish behavior. He is a child and in a grown man that is a terrible thing. There is a novel I read as a teenager called, The Man Who Loved Children by Christina Stead. The book is a devastating read that helped me understand my own childhood dominated by incredibly talented and self-absorbed parents, to tell the difference between outright cruelty and neglect. In the novel, the father of the family is determined to make his offspring his own tribe instead of assuming the role of the adult to protect and cherish his own children. He fails to “adult” by eliminating all rules, routines, spending money recklessly, and brutalizing his wife, making sure the children witness his contempt.
photo by Blaz Photo
How does this connect to teaching? I will use an example from my first student teacher given several English classes to teach without my direct supervision. She ended up so alienating the class they came to me as a group begging that I return. While flattered, I was also concerned. How had this much younger, seemingly ‘hip’ person made such a poor impression? Her approach was apparently to label me as the ‘adult’ while she attempted to join their tribe. Well, for most adolescents anyone of legal voting age is an outsider who they might allow to guide and inform but never friend. There are teachers who see the classroom as a challenge, a place to convert students to join their friend group and that is a terrible idea.
Labeling something as ‘adulting’ that is dull, unimaginative, dream-crushing and/or stupid reduces independence and self-reliance to elements of life that don’t matter. Trust me, they matter. How do you bridge the gap while remaining firmly an adult? Through humor, kindness, a deep understanding of your subject, constant monitoring of their lives while occasionally sharing a peek of your own lame existence (cats, kids, partners) but always focusing on academic support and the emotional strength you have gained through becoming an adult, paying your bills, being responsible, and engaging in a full and rich life.
—Molly Moynahan, author and writing coach