More About Why Writers Suck

“I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called ‘fear of success.’"– Jon Stewart

“For someone who just had their first novel published, you seem less than happy.” I was lying in a fetal position on my then boyfriend’s bed, a writer for Rolling Stone magazine, said novel clutched to my stomach sobbing, because my father had been mean to me. Thirteen years later when novel number three was published, I was having a screaming fight with my ex-husband during a physical exam which inspired my then doctor to put me on Prozac and recommend I get more sleep. When the first check arrived, I carefully signed the back and then, inexplicably, found an envelope and a stamp and mailed it to someone who had nothing to do with the book. I then announced I had lost the check and was certain my publisher would refuse to replace it and burst into tears. I handle success poorly.

photo by Yuris Alhumaydy

As some of you may know, I just signed with a wonderful new imprint, Empress Editions, to publish my novel, MotherPerson, fall 2026. I am overjoyed, humbled and excited. I am also fighting with my only child for reasons that I can’t fathom, distraught over this fight, filled with strange dread, worried about things I can’t control or even understand. In other words, my response to success, be it real or imagined, is to contemplate suicide, consider never writing again, and self-hatred of a magnitude one can only laugh at. I’m ashamed of my fingernails, my lack of a haircut, my sixty-eight-year-old perfectly serviceable body, and convinced my portly, spoiled cat who sleeps on my head is depressed.

I’ve seen this movie before and am humiliated by my own ingratitude and neurosis. My third novel which had a rave, full-page, Sunday New York Times write-up, a review I had to read in tiny segments as I waited for the part where the writer warned the reader that this was the worst book they had ever read, garnered nationwide positive reviews and each one convinced me I had no business being a writer. Believe me, I know it is not a tenable position to complain about your book deal. It’s obnoxious and entitled and frankly boring, nevertheless, it’s reality. Norman Mailer warned me, “Your life will be a living hell,” he said, “enjoy it.”

What does this response mean? Well, several thoughts come to mind. I am exposing myself and my fictional life to public criticism. After forty years of sobriety I still feel like someone who doesn’t deserve to be happy. Despite incredibly hard work I see myself as a fraud and embrace outsider syndrome as my religion. Happier thoughts, gratitude to my readers, to this wonderful publisher, and to myself for persevering through massive rejection. Old patterns are difficult to change but this time I refuse to surrender to my own lack of faith in myself and others.

I plan to market the hell out of this book and apologize to no one. Also, the cat is fine.

—Molly Moynahan